Instead of Planning

I kept having this idea I needed this certain planner that I couldn’t find, to plan everything more and better. But I went to a store to get one with Bogs (3.5) and it was hectic because she wanted a lot of things so I picked one I didn’t really like, quickly, and it was kind of expensive so now I’m just using it.

I used the first day to write a spell, a prayer, a reminder, for some of the things I want to experience / evoke this summer. And then as I’ve been using it this week, I realized it’s better designed to write about the day at the end of it, instead of planning things before. There’s a level of planning that is just meditating on the future and getting overwhelmed in the present. I’ve found it helps me to feel more peace to plan less. And this planner turned out to be perfect, because I have a pretty small page to write whatever stands out about the day. It’s changing the feeling of the day, to consider what I might write while the day is happening, and then while writing it, I reflect on my states of consciousness throughout. I’m realizing right now it’s kind of a poetry version of steps 10 and 11, if you’re into twelve step vibes.

Here’s a few entries from this week. Summer Friends - that phrase came to mind from Chance the Rapper, so many of his songs to share but this one for today: “I speak to god in public.”

June 1

Summer. Tomatoes. Swimsuits. Popsicles. Early light. Saunters. Meanders. Iced drinks. Sandals. Wind in trees. People over for dinner. Outside early. Bare feet. Cucumber water. Sleep whenever. Personal practice. Music making. Bubbly delights. Parties every day. Reading. Drawing. Pool time. Movie time. Mountain walk time. tree gazing time. Cake baking. Crystals. Painting. Friends. Chaos. Not hectic. Hot tub. Read every day. Clean up every day. Dance. Corn. Loving attention is all that is needed.

June 2

When does it get light? Delicate asking. PT. Emailing Chase. Dandelions. Knife sounds at breakfast. Bloody nose at breakfast. Bogs gets make up from Gramma. I.T. band ache. Chop (7) reading the word “some.” Incredible salad. Tomatoes! Homemade ranch! No recipes. Recoiling at fake kindness. Wondering about Actually People on the phone with Aunty. Texting with Liz about the trash. Lentil stew no recipe. Mac n cheese no recipe. Crying in bookstore, no reason, no need to find one, no need to be any way. Bog’s spontaneous I love yous. Chop making legos. Eating tortilla and goat cheese, my eyesight going, a good day. Never not.

June 3

Dandelions. Feeling dandelions. Chop reading the word “could.” Miso soup and peppermint tea, heavy eyelids. Light beams toward everything from within. Or without. Impossible to tell. Friday night lights. Freshness of the breeze. Windows open at night. My mom noticing the swallows. Buying us dinner, putting the kids to bed. Bogs in green undies, green hat, making the mud ball at the creek. Chop muddying the water with his feet. Watching them sleep in the fold out couch. Their sleeping faces, I can feel the replenishment for them, as them. Rupert Spira on youtube while stretching, letting the sun be too bright in the east facing window. Coffee at first light while Chop played with legos and everyone else slept.

June 4

Watching Amelia shine. Being asked questions is a gift. 12 step wisdom. The loneliness of not sharing, knowing how, to share the joy. Bogs pushing the stroller with her bunny in it even though it’s taller than her. “Let’s not go on that walk to the creek until I’m 10.” Wind chime magic. Like a conveyor belt to spirit. Gross matcha, the filler in upper lips everywhere I look. Wanting to cry but not being able to fully identify with the feeling — ? the feeling of friction for hours. Stress about Chop not eating enough. He called it “home yogurt” when we got it. How close Bogs puts her face to mine, how fast Chop fell asleep.

June 5

Watching a ladybug walk on my shoe lace. Then fly to land on a blade of grass, then walk up and down a dandelion stalk. What is it looking for. I said, I’m writing about my work and talking to people about god and nature and astrology. Bogs said, I know what god is. You do? God is earth. Chop cutting asparagus for dinner, Bogs dumping a teaspoon of paprika on one chicken leg. Chop sharing his gummies with Bogs, writing a card for Kyle, asking how to spell “best.” The blitz feeling of their play and constant interruption from 4 to 6pm. Then the bliss of their faces asleep. Laughing at Kate McKinnon’s genius writing with Chop, Kyle designed my new website in three hours, the feeling how could I ever forget the overflowing wealth of my life even for four minutes?